Archive for the Category »India TV «

Let’s face the facts; India is the second largest populated country in the world with a population of almost 1 billion. But still, we are unable to produce 11 men who can play some decent football or athletes who can win medals in the Olympics.

Olympics

It’s sad but it’s true. Even countries like Jamaica perform superior in Olympics than India and it’s a shame for all of us. Hockey used to be our best bet in the Olympics to win Gold medal but we are now out of that too. So whom should we blame for the present conditions of Indian Sports, and how to put a kibosh on these discountenance conditions?

The first reason that comes to mind is the negligence of the other sports due to Cricket. Honestly, I was a big fan of cricket when I was a kid but now, all I see is 11 men running after a ball as if it is one of their balls, if you know what I mean.

The media attention and money given to Cricket players are like a dream for other athletes and if you want to know what it feels like then imagine sleeping with Deepika Padukone in real life but you can’t get her because she is already in bed with Ranbir Kapoor. Sounds unpalatable, right?

Indian media follows cricketers even if they are going to a dentist just like India TV followed MS Dhoni. Due to so much coverage, cricketers always have a pressure to perform well during the matches. But as we all know, no news channel give a shit about athletes, so they don’t bother at all. Even if they win, then also Indian media don’t give a shit.

The other example of Cricket scoring over other sports would be IPL. Everyone knows how much money was spent on the teams and players. Celebrities like Shahrukh Khan, Katrina Kaif, Akshay Kumar, Preity Zinta made a presence during the matches and business tycoons like Mukesh Ambani, Vijay Malya gave so much money to their teams.

If they spend half of that amount on the improvement of other sports, then it would change the whole scenario over-night. Did I mention the cheerleaders that cricketers get? They can definitely motivate the players to perform well. You know the saying, “Behind every successful man, there is a HOT woman with big boobs”.

Enough of the cricket, now let’s move to real culprits, the Sports authorities. Everyone knows that they simply don’t give a fuck about the players. The prime example of this would be the doping case of Monika Devi, who was tested positive during a test. Now she has been freed from those charges but sadly, she can’t take part in the Olympics because it’s too late. This shows how much serious the authorities are.

And God knows what happens to the money that government gives to the authorities to improve the standards. From some particular reason, I believe that all the people working in these committees take that money and put into their Swiss accounts while players are starving on the roads.

The perfect portrayal of this system was in Chak De India, but still, our corrupt authorities are not ashamed of themselves for not having fucking morals and honesty just like Anees Bazmee and Akshay Kumar, who gave us, Singh is Kinng.

As a repercussion of all this, students and sports enthusiastic prefer to keep themselves away from all these sports and concentrate on becoming cricketers, which further downgrade the standards of Indian sports.

At the time of writing, India has already lost a number of competitions in Beijing Olympics 2008, which is a disgrace. Let’s hope our athletes will win some medals and make the head of 1 billion people proud. And I hope some honest politicians like Rahul Gandhi would do something about the state of Indian sports, before it’s too late.

The question is what do you think about this whole issue? What are your views? Who do you think is the culprit? Is it the government, sports authorities or cricket? Post your comments and I’ll put the best ones in the post.


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After celebrating Diwali couple of months back in Jaipur, tourists or as many say “terrorists”, decided to celebrate Diwali in Bangalore and Ahmedabad, and this time, they planned it big. They spent huge amount of money on crackers or as you say “bombs” and first rocked Bangalore, The Silicon Valley of India, and then, rocked Ahmedabad on the very next day, and thus, killing more than 50 people.

bomb blasts

If that was not enough, police found more than 19 bombs in Surat, and the number is still rising in different cities. Before we start blaming the terrorists, we’ve to see what our Police and Intelligence services are doing and honestly, I really doubt their intelligence. They can even put our Pappu, who is Paanchvi fail, to mortification and yes, I’m again referring to “Kya Aap Paanchvi Paas se Tez Hain?”

If Pappu can dance salla then why can’t you protect our country, assholes?

Before going to terrorists, let us talk about our mutton headed politicians. And this time, to make their head proud and to maintain the doltish standards of Indian Politicians, Sushma Swaraj, the ugly bitch, started blaming UPA for the blasts. Let me tell you something Sushma, if you can’t help our country and solace the victims in anyway then you better shut the fuck up and sit down on your dirty ass.

Icing on the cake was that no other leader of BJP came in support of her statement. Mr. LK Advani, the guy who is almost ready to go to his grave, was silent and didn’t give any statement on the whole blame game. But, during the parliament session, he was shouting as if his life was dependent upon it.

The one and only one good thing that happened during the whole scene was the unity of Manmohan Singh and Narendra Modi, even if it was for a short time.

Manmohan Singh and Narendra Modi

Before talking about terrorists and their motives, let us talk about the equivalence between Ram Gopal Verma’s Contract and the blasts. According to Indian news channels, there is a lot of similarity in this reel life and real life situation. Movies are giving ideas to terrorists, as stated by the Indian Media. But, I’ve a different opinion on this whole similarity issue.

If you ask me, terrorists got so thwarted by the movie that they decided to give India what they deserve for making such a crappy movie. In an interview given to The News Dose they said, “We got into so much trouble in obtaining the pirated copy of this movie and he gave us this shit? Fuck you RGV”.

That being said let us now finally move to terrorists. What are their motives? Why are they trying to rock India instead of rocking out with their cocks out in front of Rakhi Sawant’s picture?

In general, they do it because of religion, and I’m not a biased person who’ll say that they were Muslims. Instead of that, I’ll consider them as people who believe in God but sadly, they all are religious fanatics. They think that by killing people of other religions, they are going to impress their God and become heroes.

But, the thing they don’t realize is that, God is only one and by killing innocent people, they would not become any heroes. They are just motherfucking cowards who are too afraid to come out in open and fight face to face. God is not going to forgive for what you did to innocent people, but they are too dumb to understand this.

They think that killing innocent people is the only path to God and the people who bring such thinking into them are our politicians and religious leaders. According to me, you all will spared by God if you start licking Sushma Swaraj’s dirty ass.

In the end, there are some questions left unanswered.

1. Are we really safe in India?

2. Are our police and intelligence services doing any good for our safety?

3. Who are promoting these terrorists in India, Political leaders or Religious leaders?

Do you have opinions or answers to these questions? Post them as comments in the comment box below while I listen to “Yeh Jo Des hai tera” from the movie, “Swades” and pray for the innocent people especially the ladies in the image below. Die you cocksuckers terrorists.

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Help and pray for all the victims of the bomb blasts.

bomb blasts in ahmedabad and bangalore

Bomb blasts
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Also read – Indian Politics – A True Wonder


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When Adam and Eve were about to have sexual intercourse for the first time with a Kondom, God came to them and warned them by saying that, “if you will fuck each other using a Kondom in lieu of a Condom, then the whole human race in India will suffer in the far future”. He proclaimed that, “A Big Bitch will walk on this holy land in the body of an ugly slut and she will have a big fetish for the letter K instead of having fetishes for six pack abs or zero size bodies”. But, both Adam and Eve, didn’t take the warning seriously and they kept on humping each other. And now, as a repercussion of that humping, we’re suffering from a disease known as Ekta Kapoor.

So without any further ado, I would like to welcome her to the very first episode of our show, “The Big Bitch”, hosted by your one and only, “Shahid the Gay Kapoor”.

*Rented crowd silent as they were not given any booze or chicken to welcome the guest.*

*Some old retard ladies started crying after seeing the Goddess herself.”

Ekta: Thank you Shahid. You know what? I think you’ve defeated my brother Tushar Kapoor in the competition of gay looks. Congratulations.

*Shahid shying*

Shahid: Thanks Bitch. So let’s move on to our first question, I’ve heard that you are going to embrace Aarushi Talwar’s murder story in your daily soap, is that right?

Ekta: Yes, I think it’s a perfect way to increase the TRP of my serials which have been running from centuries.

Shahid: Don’t you think it is sick?

Ekta: At least it is less sick than watching you romancing with old fat Vidya Balan or that Aarushi the bitch herself. She was humping her 40 year old Nepali servant instead of watching my serials.

Shahid: But it has not been proved that she was sleeping with Hemraj.

Ekta: Shut your mouth ass face, you don’t know anything. This is what happens when you don’t let your kids watch my Indian cultured serials. If she would have been watching my serials then she would have known our Indian culture and the dresses that an Indian woman must wear with all the make-up.

Shahid: But this is imbecilic

Ekta: Yes, this is as imbecilic as your fetish for Justin Timberlake and his gay dance moves. That is why you are trying to copy his dance moves in your latest fucked up movie, “Kismat Konnection”, right gay boy?

Random guy from the crowd: Fuck off you both hermaphrodites

*Old retard ladies beating the shit out of Random Guy*

*Ekta Kapoor giving them blessings*

Shahid: Ok, let’s change the topic; what do you have to say about the latest attempt from Mozilla to set a world record by making Firefox the most downloaded software in a single day?

Ekta: I don’t know about that, but I can surely see a fire in your little fox in your pants which is becoming bigger and bigger with every passing second.

Shahid: How do you know that I call it a Fox?

*Ekta stunned, while other girls and ladies laughing at him*

*Shahid embarrassed*

*Random guy doing something with his fox by keeping the picture of Kareena in front of him*

Shahid: Ok, what do you have to say about your patch-up with Smriti Irani(The Great Tulsi of India)?

Ekta: I’m so happy about that, we’ve always been loyal to each other from the very starting.

Shahid: But we’ve heard that you both are lesbians, is that true?

*Ekta takes out her mobile and calls Tulsi with great anger*

Ekta: Tulsi bitch, why did you tell everyone about us?

*Sounds of moaning coming from the phone*

*Ekta fully anxious*

Ekta: Tulsi! Are you humping someone again?

Karan Johar: Who the fuck is this? Can’t you understand that I and Tulsi are busy?

Ekta: KARAN! I thought you were going to fuck me tonight

Karan: Yeah, I’ll fuck you too, don’t worry darling, we will have a threesome

*Ekta depressed*

*Young teenagers and Shahid laughing*

*Old retard ladies crying*

*Random guy still playing with his fox*

Shahid: Ok, now what will you do?

Ekta: Wait! I’ve just got an idea; I’ll start a new show based on me and Tulsi

Shahid: What would you call it?

Ekta: Kahaani Two Lesbians Ki

Shahid: And who will play the lead roles?

Ekta: Anmol and Shambhavi, the new sluts of Bollywood

Random guy while playing with his fox: Die you fucking slut

*Old retard ladies cheering for Ekta*

Shahid: Best of luck for that, what do you have to say about the movie “Sex and the city”? Planning to launch an Indian version?

Ekta: Love you Shahid, you gave me a wonderful idea. I’ll call it, “Kyonki Kiss bhi Kabhi Sex thi”. My leading ladies will have sex while praying, talking, and plotting against each other and also during dying, during their marriages and also during their plastic surgeries. I’m the best!!

*Splitsvilla facing a tough competition now*

*Old retard ladies blushing*

*Random guy got caught masturbating to Kareena’s pic*

*Shahid and security running after the Random guy*

*Ekta Kapoor fantasizing about her new shows*

*Producer decides to end the show with a “FUCK YOU” message for everyone*


[digg=http://digg.com/celebrity/Ekta_Kapoor_The_Big_Bitch_of_India]
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The growing craze of IPL has sabotaged the whole business of Reality Shows in India. Prior to IPL, you could see a new homosexual Reality Show every other day. Some of the prime examples of these shows are Star Voice of India, Indian Idol, KBC, Big Boss, Koffee with Karan. I got so inspired from this craze that even I tried to start my own TV Shows. I contacted India TV and they asked me to send some ideas about the shows. Here is a small list of the shows that I wanted to start…

1) Big Bitch
2) Kaun Banega Rakhi Sawant ka Pati (Host: Her used up condom boyfriend Abhishek)
3) Booze with Bobby Darling
4) Cunt Voice of India (Judges: Himesh Reshammiya, Anu Malik and a Dildo ready to fuck that cunt voice)
5) Kya aap Ass se tez hain? (Host: The Ass himself “Mahesh Bhatt”)

But sadly, IPL ruined my plans. But, Zee Television has decided to start their own lesbo Talk Show with Rakhi Sawant as the host. It is called “Rakhi Ka Phone Aaya”. The main motive behind this step is to destroy IPL with the help of big boobs of Rakhi, as this is what Indian Men crave for, even more than Cricket. Producer of the show asked me to see the shoot. How could I say no to such a momentous event in the history of FUCKED UP INDIAN TELEVISION? The show is expected to start with a bang like a gang bang, with as many as 11 stars together on the stage showing their banging skills. I went to the shooting and here is what I saw.

Rakhi: Welcome all of you to my pussy licking show, “Rakhi Ka Phone Aaya”.

Random guy from the rented audience: Die nameless Bitch!

* Rakhi blushing, Producer smiling as he thinks it’ll increase the TRP”

*TRP – Total Request Porn*

Rakhi: Thank you sir and I also welcome the Celebrity Guests of the evening.

*Rented audience clapping as they were given free booze and chicken to do this*

Rakhi: So my first question is for Shahrukh. How are you feeling after losing the battle of the favourite Krazzy 4 item number?

SRK: I didn’t lose the battle. I gave you the title…

Rakhi: Oh please, everyone knows that I’m the ITEM of Bollywood!

Random guy from rented audience: Yeah you’re the ITEM, how much do you charge for one night bitch?

Rakhi: Rs 10 for twosome sex, Rs 20 for threesome and Rs 30 for Group Sex…

Shambhavi(Roadie): I charge only Rs 5 coz I’d already fucked all the guys on MTV ROADIES

Bobby Darling: I’m free!

*Random guy confused between so many sluts*

Rakhi: Shut up Bitches; let’s move on to Hrithik… I heard you’re becoming a father for the second time… how are you feeling? Don’t you have any self-control?

Hrithik: Actually third baby is also coming…

Rakhi: Susan is having twins?

Hrithik: No, Actually I’m doing a kiss scene with this Hollywood slut…

Rakhi: Baby from a kiss?

Hrithik: This is how Indians make babies right? Raja Hindustani anyone?

Aamir: No piece of shit, I’m so perfect that no one came to know when I fucked Karishma… I’m the Number 1 MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Rakhi: Shut up you baldy shit.. Did you shave your pubes too?

Aamir: I shaved your pubes when YOU, ME AUR HUM were having a threesome

Rakhi: Fuck off… now let’s talk to Abhishek and Aishwarya… So Ash, tell us about your Big Boob Show at Cannes… What were you thinking? Trying to beat me in Boob size?

Aishwarya: I wanted to show Salman and Vivek “THE STUFF” that they’ve missed!!

Abhishek: I wanted to tell Rani Mukherjee and Karishma about “THE STUFF” that I got by marrying Ash!!

Aishwarya Rai at Cannes
Salman Khan

*A big pole is visible in Salman’s skinny jean while Rani is looking under her bra…*

*Random guy got caught masturbating to Ash’s Cannes picture*

*Aishwarya blushing, Rakhi Jealous…*

Rakhi: So Saif, you seem to be pretty angry about your sister’s pictures in the Maxim Magazine… Why were you not angry when Kareena did the same thing for FHM..?

Saif: Well, I’m Kareena’s dog and I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of her ex-dog “Shahid Kapoor”… I’m really insecure about Kareena… I get to fuck her in doggy-style you see!!

Kareena: Yeah, Saif is my dog, people put collars around their dogs, and I got him a tattoo saying “Kareena”…

*Rakhi impressed and now looking towards her dog Abhishek*

*Random guy still running from police with his cum on Ash’s picture*

Bobby Darling(dreaming): O yeah! O yeahhh!! Fuck me Shahid! Fuck me! Fuck me with your 3 inch dick!!

Rakhi: Wake up bitch from your faggot dream… and I think you told us the reason why Kareena left her ex-dog.

*Kareena proudly touching 4 inch dick of Saif*

Rakhi: So Raghu, first of all congrats for the success of Roadies 5.0, finally you gave two new sluts to Bollywood, “ANMOL and SHAMBHAVI”.. anyways what are your views about Aarushi Murder Case?

Raghu: I think they gave the case to CBI for further investigation..

Rakhi: Wait, CBI? CUNTLESS BITCHES INSTITUTE?

*Raghu bangs his head on the wall and starts crying*

Rakhi: Cry Baby… and how can we forget our Deepika Padukone and Ranbir Kapoor? How are you? You look really cute with each other… So how many times have you fucked each other?

Deepika: I’m still a virgin… I really love Ranbir and I’ll make love with him after our marriage…

*Random guy announces the latest mms scandal… Deepika giving Yuvraj a blow job*

*Deepika deleting Yuvraj’s naked wallpaper from her mobile*

* Now a pole is visible in Ranbir’s skinny jean*

And this is how the show ended. It was one hell of a night. No wonder it’ll beat IPL in TRP! Make sure to watch it and have a blast.

Rating – SHOW IS FOR ADULTS ONLY

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News to confirm the show
http://sify.com/movies/bollywood/fullstory.php?id=14681152
http://www.mid-day.com/web/guest/entertainment/bollywood/article?_EXT_5_articleId=1146774&_EXT_5_groupId=14
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Diwali is the most prevalent festival of India and it is so widespread that people from all over the world think that they can come to India anytime and burn their own little crackers. The latest example of this is “The Jaipur Diwali” which happened last week. Well, we the people of India welcome all these tourists with an open heart coz we didn’t have any tourist scandal since Scarlett’s “Fuck me with weed” trauma.

So what exactly happened? Well no newspapers or news channels had the exact info. According to some , there were 7 explosions within 12 minutes and some were saying that there were 8 explosions that rocked the city like a Michael Jackson Concert. This is what Indian Media is all about. Icing on the cake is that, all the news channels were claiming to have an exclusive secret video recorded and sent by some random guy. The video is all about showing a place where the explosion took place. All I saw in that video was a bicycle. If you want to talk to that guy, we got his email address just for you from a news channel by bribing them for Rs 10 Only.. Well this is the rate these days and they say India is a developing country!.

And his email address is “gayosama@fuckme.com”

Instead of helping these people, politicians of the opposition parties took this as a perfect opportunity to put blame on the Central Govt. and their intelligence services who by the way lost in the first round of SRK’s show “Kya Aap Paanchvi Paas se Tez Hain?”. When media persons tried to contact Manmohan Singh, he was found in his room playing “Halo 3″ with Sonia Gandhi while his wife was watching “Desperate Housewives”.

Nevertheless, the dad of Indian news channels “India TV” was able to get an interview with one of the “Tourist” or as many say “Terrorist”.

Half Bald Guy: Welcome to India Tv’s popular show “Janta ki Adalat” . And the judge for the evening is Aamir Khan.

Aamir Khan : See I’m fully bald and you are half bald. I’m the number 1 and I’m the PERFECTIONIST  MUHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Half Bald Guy: Ok sir you’re. Now let me call upon the criminal of the evening “Tourist A”

Tourist A : Thank you to both Bald People. Why not wear a wig?

Half Bald Guy: Ahem.. So Mr A, how old are you?

Tourist A : You a$$hole, don’t you know it is impolite to ask a terrorist’s age ? Piece of shit. Didn’t your mom tell you anythin?

Half Bald Guy: Oh! sorry I didn’t know that.. So tell me somethin about your team..

Tourist A : First of all I want to say that our team is not like that of Banglore Royal Challengers and we don’t have an owner like Malya. We don’t drink and we don’t watch sluts getting stripped in the dance bar or do they call them air hostess? We work hard for every cracker we make and that is why they don’t call us a “TEST TEAM”. We are the champions of our T20.. and that is the reason behind 9 bomb blasts within 12 minutes

Half Bald Guy: Sir I think there were only 7..

Tourist A : Fuck you asshole.. you don’t know a shit about anythin

Half Bald Guy: And what do you have to say about Shane Warne’s decision of not leaving India?

Tourist A : I think he has a secret fetish for Bombs.. Sex bombs

Half Bald Guy: What are your views about Preity Zinta?

Tourist A : She is the SEX BOMB

Half Bald Guy: What about Rakhi Sawant?

Tourist A : She is a wannabe Sex Bomb with a dog named “Abhishek”.

Aamir Khan : I know a dog named “Shahrukh”!!

Tourist A : And I know a bitch named “Kiran”!!

*Aamir Khan blushing after hearing such compliments for his wife Kiran*

*CROWD CHEERING FOR TOURIST A*

Half Bald Guy: Ok ok, what was your main motive behind these blasts in the “PINK CITY”?

Tourist A : I wanted to turn this city into “RED CITY”

Half Bald Guy: Are you a painter? or are you a relative of M.F Hussain?

Tourist A : *With a blank look* Fuck you asshole.. *Takes out a matchstick and burns the whole place*

*Aamir khan tries to save his ass *

*CROWD AGAIN CHEERING FOR TOURIST A*

And the latest news is that, Mahesh Bhatt and Vikram Bhatt offered “Tourist A” a role in their forthcoming movie “Gay Salsa” opposite Emraan Hashmi. Emraan seems to be pretty excited about kissing a guy..

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Help and pray for all the victims of the bomb blast

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[digg=http://digg.com/comedy/The_Jaipur_Diwali]