1. Shukran Allah – The very first song of the album is a really nice romantic number featuring Sonu Nigam and Shreya Ghoshal. Saleem is on the chorus. If you’ve loved songs like Teri Ore, Khduaya Ve etc then you’ll love this. The beat pattern is quite similar to Teri Ore. But, I’m not complaining. Lyrics are typical romantic, nothing new except the title words, of course.

2. Dua – After a very nice romantic number, Salim-Sulaiman gives Dua with an interesting combo of Sukhwinder Singh and Kailash Kher. The music is pretty much average and I don’t like the english verse in the song. Both the singers are good as usual.

3. Ali Maula – Ali Maula, performed by Salim Merchant is a situational song. Well, the song contains lots of urdu words which give the song a unique feel. It’s not meant to be an entertaining song. It’s much more along the lines of “Maula mere lele meri jaan” of Chak De India. It’ll sound pretty good as background score in the movie. Thumbs up!

4. Rasiya – Rasiya is another situational song and has a very mysterious feel to it. Performed beautifully by Shruti Pathak, Rasiya will take you to a whole new world if you listen to it with your eyes closed. If used right, it can be really haunting during the movie.

5. Kurbaan Hua – Here’s the show stopper of the album. Typical a rock number which very suit Vishal Dadlani’s voice, this song is going to be a chart topper. Their last effort, Nazara Hai of 8 x 10 Tasveer went unnoticed though it was a very good song but this will definitely be on everyone’s lips. The chorus is mindblowing, simply amazing. Kudos to Vishal for singing it so beautifully. Two thumbs up!

Rating –

Cast – Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Vivek Oberoi

Music Director – Salim-Sulaiman

Movie Director – Rensil D’Silva

Post your comments, reviews and suggestions in the comment box below and I’ll reply to them.

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Billu Barber or Billu, as many would say, especially people from the Salon and Beauty Parlour associations, is ‘delightful’, if I’ve to describe it in one word. Starring Irfan Khan, Lara Dutta in the lead and with Shahrukh Khan in a supporting role, Billu Barber is a perfect film to watch in this love season.

Synopsis

Directed by Priyadarshan, and produced by Shahrukh’s own production house, Red Chilies Entertainment, Billu Barber is a film about a barber, Billu (Irrfan Khan), living in a village called “Budbuda” in Uttar Pradesh. Along with him, there is his wife Bindiya (Lara Dutta), their two kids, and a whole village which is filled with nincompoops. Billu’s life is not that great, to say the least, he has no money to pay the fees of kids education, no money to buy new chair, scissor, and even a comb for his shop. But, the optimistic Billu carries on his life until Sahir Khan (Shahrukh Khan) comes to the village for shooting.

The whole village goes crazy and the word goes around that Billu and Sahir are childhood friends. And this is when the whole life of Billu turns upside down. People who never helped him suddenly start showering him with favors, even the school authorities who are ready to pay the fees from their school fund, but only on one condition, Billu has to talk to Sahir and invite him to their school function. But our Billu is too ashamed to go in front of him.

Story is simple

The story of Billu Barber is simple, and that was what required for this film. It’s also predictable and you can guess the ending of the film before even entering the cinema hall but you’ll never lose your interest in the film, particularly because of the performances and the witty dialogues.

Script is strong

The script is top notch but with very few flaws here and there. One of the strongest points of the script is that it is straight to point and it never alienates from its main point, which is the difference between the worlds of Shahrukh Khan and Irrfan Khan, which was very essential to create the mood of the film. Billu Barber is filled with many funny moments, especially the one involving Om Puri and Asrani when Om Puri comes to Billu’s shop to gift him a chair. I won’t tell the scene because if I did then it would kill the fun.

Music is good

Music, as I earlier said in the music review, is very good. Marjani and Love Mera Hit Hit are already chartbusters in the whole India. You Get Me Rockin & Reeling, which sounds average on the first listening is good, too, all thanks to hot Priyanka Chopra. The other songs which shine are Billu Bhayankar and Jaoon Kahan. Ae Aa O was really not required in the film. Background score was above average.

They censored out the words “Hajaam” and “Barber” from the song Billu Bhayankar which really killed the song. I don’t see what’s so bad about these words.

The Three Divas

If you’ve Kareena Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, and Priyanka Chopra doing item numbers in a single movie then whistles are always expected and that is what exactly happened when all three came on screen. Out of all three, it’s Priyanka who takes the cake. Priyanka is hotness at its best in “You Get Me Rockin & Reeling”. The whole “glamour quotient” which was absent in the film was fulfilled with these three songs.

Outstanding Performances

Irrfan Khan, as Billu, shines in the movie and is the show stealer. Appearing as a lead actor in a commercial film for the first time, Irrfan Khan gives his best and it shows on screen. He is undoubtedly, one of the best actors of our time, and is no longer under-rated. Watch out for that scene when he calls in Shahrukh’s hotel in hope to talk to him, and check out his expressions and the modulation in his voice, mind blowing!

Lara Dutta is amiable in her role and shows her acting talent. The other heroines who refused the role might be regretting it now after watching her performance. The child artists playing the kids in the movie are confident and their comic timing is perfect. Their relationship with Irrfan and Lara looks authentic.

Om Puri, Rajpal Yadav, and Asrani are good, too. They handle the comedy department of the film very well.

The Last Twenty Minutes

It’s the last twenty minutes when Shahrukh comes and drop the “emosanal (emotional) bomb” on you when he gives a speech to school kids where he recalls his childhood days and his friend Billu. Role of Shahrukh is not that big and in most of the part, he is playing himself. But at the end, he shows why he is the best actor in Bollywood, along with Aamir Khan, and why we cry every time he gets emotional.

That speech and the meeting of Irrfan and Shahrukh is the high point of the movie. Often we see people talking on their cell phones during the movie, but in those 20 minutes, no one talked. If they were getting calls, they didn’t answer it. Those 20 minutes truly absorb you in the movie, and it makes sure that you cry.

Negative points of Billu Barber

If film lacks somewhere then it is the first half of the film, maybe because the attention given to the role of Shahrukh Khan which was not required. First half should have been totally about Billu and his life and how he copes up with all the stress.

Dubbing is also not good, you can clearly see them saying things which are not audible and the timing is not perfect. It’s the high time we adopt the sync sound technology and trash the dubbing system. Editing could have better and some places. Background score could have been better especially during the ending.

Verdict –

Billu Barber is a very simple, sweet and innocent film portraying the power of friendship. It’s undoubtedly Priyadarshan’s best work till date. Billu Barber belongs to Billu, Irrfan Khan, for his powerful performance, and he is, indubitably, one of the strongest contenders for the best actor award next year. Lara Data and the supporting cast shines in their roles.

Shahrukh Khan in his small role hits all the right notes and he plays his best cards during the ending where he lifts the standard of the movie to a whole new level with his powerful speech.
Billu Barber is a must watch film, especially since it’s released near Valentine’s Day.

Take your friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, or your family along with you and enjoy this sweet film.

Rating –

Cast – Irrfan Khan, Lara Dutta, Shahrukh Khan

Music Director – Pritam

Movie Director – Priyadarshan

Post your comments, reviews and suggestions in the comment box below and I’ll reply to them and vote in the poll.

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Billu Barber, Red Chillies production, is already making waves for its hot item numbers which feature top actresses of Bollywood; Deepika Padukone, Kareena Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra. First things first, Billu Barber is the film of Irrfan Khan and not Shahrukh Khan, which many people are assuming. It’s the first time that Pritam is giving music for Shahrukh’s production and same with Neeraj, who is giving background voice for Shahrukh Khan.

The soundtrack of Billu Barber comprises of 15 tracks, yes 15, and out of that, 7 are originals and the rest of the tracks are remixes. Well, the first thing that goes in favor of Billu Barber is the wide range of songs. From typical club bangers to village anthems, everything is in there. And for the first time after Jab We Met, songs don’t appear to be copy of South Korean artists, I hope it’s true, Pritam. Now, let’s review the soundtrack.

1. Marjaani

The opening track of the soundtrack, also the first promo of the movie, featuring Kareena Kapoor and Shahrukh Khan, is already a hit among the masses. Most of the credit should be given to Sukhwinder Singh and Sunidhi Chauhan. The voice of Sukhwinder is perfect and Sunidhi adds her own magical touch. I don’t think any other singer can do so much justice to this number. Also, credit should be given to Pritam, for providing the rocking music.

Lyrics are top notch, but people who are not much used to Punjabi lyrics and the language, can find it difficult to understand the lyrics. But, when the music is so thumping, you hardly get a chance to think about the lyrics, if you’re in a club.

2. Love Mera Hit Hit

Love Mera Hit Hit, is undoubtedly, the biggest club number of the year, I don’t think any song in 2009 will be able to match its energy, and enthusiasm. Add to that super hot dance number of Deepika Padukone, Love Mera Hit Hit, is a sure shot hit. The real star of the song is, of course, Neeraj Shridhar. Tulsi Kumar, can be wrong choice for some, and honestly, I didn’t like her during the first listen. But, she grows on you gradually. Sunidhi or Shreya could have done a better job, considering Shreya Ghoshal did an awesome job in Latoo, in the soundtrack of Ghajini.

Music is of the highest quality, and sets the mood for a perfect dance number. What makes this song a contender for the national anthem of this year is the lyrics, especially on the chorus. Ashish Pandit and Mayur Puri have done a wonderful job with the lyrics and Pritam has done his job again.

3. You Get Me Rockin & Reeling

You Get Me Rockin & Reeling, supposedly to be performed by Priyanka Chopra and Shahrukh Khan can be a letdown to some. Unlike the first two songs, You Get Me Rockin & Reeling will not catch your attention during the first listen and it’ll take a lot of plays to grow on you. But, I think the music video of the song will change everything because if we go by the cover art of the album, music video of this song will be the best of the three.

Neeraj can’t do much of a job in this song because he doesn’t get so much scope to perform, and add to that some English verses, which were not required at all. The only high point of the song is the chorus, which surprisingly, is also used in another song in the album.

4. Ae Aa O

I don’t have really much to write about Ae Aa O, as it is not that original, but the guitar riffs in the starting rocks! Well, the song is basically about how great I’m. It’ll certainly appeal to those who think that they are the best and need some song to send out that message.

Music doesn’t have any consistency, sometimes it’s a total bore and sometimes, especially during the guitar riffs, it just blows you away. KK tries really hard to make it amiable but succeed to some extent, but the 5 minute length of the song kills it in the first place.

5. Jaoon Kahan

After 4 songs belonging to Shahrukh Khan, Jaoon Kahan is about the emotions of Irrfan Khan. Sung beautifully by Raahat Fateh Ali Khan, Jaoon Kahan is one of the best songs of the album. I’ve noticed that Raahat Fateh Ali Khan has a unique ability to take any average song to a whole new level with his voice, and Pritam knows it very well.

Lyrics clearly describe the emotions of Irrfan Khan, and all the credit goes Sayeed Quadri. The main backdrop of the song, can sometimes make you remember Teri Ore, from Singh is Kinng. Emotions are perfect and you’ll love this song, and honestly, you will not mind the length of the song.

6. Billoo Bhayankar

Billoo Bhayankar really tests the talent of Pritam and surprisingly, he passes with 100 out of 100 with this one. Billoo Bhayankar is not a chartbuster song, and some songs are never meant to be chartbusters, they are meant for critical acclaim. From singing style to lyrics to music and the music instruments, everything is unique.

The success of the song belongs to Gulzar, who wrote wonderful lyrics for the song, and probably the most difficult ones. Ajay Jhingaran, Raghuveer and Kalpana have done a brilliant job in rendering their voice to the song. It would certainly be a high point in the movie.

7. Khudaya Khair

Khudaya Khair is a typical romantic number but refreshing Soham Chakraborty, In Dino fame, is a surprise inclusion in the song and he is the one who make this song a worthwhile listen. Akriti Kakkar and Monali do a good job in supporting the vocals of Soham. Lyrics are fine and the chorus of this song is the same that of You Get Me Rockin & Reeling.

Verdict

Billu Barber is a clear winner for Pritam, who for the first time gives us some original music. Marjaani and Love Mera Hit Hit are the two number ones hits of 2009. Soundtrack comprises of critical material such as Billoo Bhayankar and Jaoon Kahan.

The rest of the three original songs are average and only one of them has the ability to be a hit when the music video will be released. The biggest downfall of the album is the 8 remixes. If I gave an extra star to Dostana for not including any remix then I’ve to cut 1 star from Billu Barber for including so many remixes. Honestly, there was no need of so many remixes.

Nevertheless, Billu Barber is a great album and it’s a good start for Billu Barber, the movie.

Rating –

Cast – Irrfan Khan, Lara Dutta, Shahrukh Khan.

Music Director – Pritam

Movie Director – Priyadarshan

Post your comments, reviews and suggestions in the comment box below and I’ll reply to them and vote in the poll.

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Golmaal Returns, sequel to 2006 hit comedy movie, Golmaal, is finally out and boy, it’s creating history on the box office charts. Diwali season is here and people are rushing to cinemas to get a dose of this Brainless comedy. Honestly, I didn’t expect much from this movie by going through the response of the audience but I decided to give it a shot, myself.

I’m not going to write anything about the story as there is none. So, is Golmaal Returns better than its prequel, Golmaal? I don’t think so. But first, let’s discuss some good points about the movie.

Good Points

1. Tusshar Kapoor – He again steals the show with his superb performance as a guy who can’t speak. He outshines everyone out there and he does come in handy to surpass the Censor Board of India by abusing in his own language. Now, that’s a nice plan by the director.

2. Humor – Since, it’s a brainless comedy, so you’ve to keep your brains at home. I’m not a fan of such comedies but humor was better in this one. No sex and toilet jokes, that’s a relief.

3. Performance by men – If Fashion was all about women then Golmaal Returns is all about men. Ajay Devgan, Shreyas Talpade, and Tusshar Kapoor give a good performance and the chemistry between Shreyas and Tusshar is worth mentioning. Shreyas again proves his versatility with his performance.

Bad Points about Golmaal Returns

1. Spoofs – Golmaal returns can’t be called as an Original movie because there is no story at all. Director is more interested in spoofing other movies especially that of Sanjay Leela Bhansali. Spoof movies are somewhat funny but this was drop dead boring.

2. Arshad Warsi – I’m really disappointed with him this time but there is not much fault of his too. His role is weakly written and has no character development. Comic timing is bad, no witty lines and zero sense of humor.

3. The ladies – If you leave out Kareena Kapoor, all other ladies have no role to play. Amrita Arora, Celina Jately, and Anjana Sukhani have no role to play. Anjana only comes like in 3 scenes and that too coming out from the gym. That’s it! Why did they even sign this film? If we talk about their performances, nauseating would be the right word. All of them need to go to some acting school, seriously. This movie shows how producers use ladies just for eye-candies.

4. Music – Music is of the lowest quality. Only Tha Karke is a good song but that too is forced in the movie. Pritam, wake up!

5. Climax and Ending – Everyone comes together in the ending and tries to kill themselves. That is a type of ending which is so stupid that you regret to spend your money on this. If you laughed during the ending, you don’t have a sense of humor at all.

Verdict

Golmaal Returns is your average brainless comedy with little laughs and a large amount of boredom. Obviously, director of the movie, Rohit Shetty, didn’t bother to work on the story as he knew that he would be able to bank on the success of Golmaal. It’s the fine chemistry between the leading actors that save the movie from being a total bore.

Rating –

Cast – Kareena Kapoor, Ajay Devgan, Arshad Varsi, Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade, Anjana Sukhani, Amrita Arora, Celina Jaitley

Music Director – Pritam, Ashish Pandit

Movie Director – Rohit Shetty

Do you have anything to say about the movie or do you want to comment on my review? Then feel free to do it by using comment box below and vote in the poll.

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Roadside Romeo

Roadside Romeo, India’s first 3-D movie, produced by Yash Raj Films and Walt Disney Pictures has finally released. It’s a special movie as it shows the power of Indian animation which was not exploited properly in the past. Without wasting time, let’s review Roadside Romeo.

Roadside Romeo is your regular Bollywood movie with all the masala and songs combined with superb animation. Double thumbs up to Jugal Hansraj, director of the movie, for awesome direction and creativity. Story is about a rich pet dog called Romeo (Saif Ali Khan), who finds himself on the cruel Mumbai streets when his family shifts to another country.

There he meets his new friends and his love, Laila, played by Kareena Kapoor, and also the bad dog of the movie, Charlie Anna (Javed Jaffrey). Roadside Romeo is your typical “Hero loves heroine but has to fight the villain to get her” movie.

Good points about the movie

1. Animation – It would be wrong to compare the animation to that of complex animations by Pixar as this is a first big project for Bollywood. Nevertheless, I was impressed with the details given to each character.

2. Direction – Jugal Hansraj certainly did his homework in the direction department but same can’t be said about writing one which we’ll talk about later. His love for animated movies clearly shows in the movie.

3. Charlie Anna – The bad dog of the movie is the most likable character of the movie. The credit should be given to Javed Jaffrey for his mind blowing voice over.

4. Ending Credits – After a long time, I didn’t leave the cinema before watching the credits. It was a really nice effort from Jugal and it paid off. Do watch the credits even if you didn’t like the movie.

Bad points about the movie

1. Story – Story is too simple and has nothing new to offer. Filled with clichés, references to other Yash Raj movies and stupid dialogues, story is the weakest point of the film.

2. Voice over by Saif Ali Khan – He was definitely not a right choice for the voice of Romeo. Ending each dialogue with “Guys” can be really irritating. Please don’t try to be cool using such words. You look like a wannabe.

3. South Indian accent of Charlie Anna – Javed did a good job playing the character but his dialogues can be difficult to comprehend for the kids. Sometimes, it was really difficult to understand what he was saying. More clarity could have done wonders.

4. Ending – This was the cheesiest ending after Kismat Konnection. I mean seriously, why are you trying to copy DDLJ? And how of a sudden did Laila agree with the story of Charlie Anna? Juvenile!

Verdict – If Jugal made this movie for the kids then he clearly missed the shot. It doesn’t have the excitement that an animation movie should have in order to capture the attention of the kids.

Rating –

Directed by – Jugal Hansraj
Produced by – Aditya Chopra, Yash Chopra, Walt Disney Studios
Written by – Jugal Hansraj
Starring – Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Jaaved Jaffrey

Do you have anything to say about the movie or do you want to comment on my review? Then feel free to do it by using comment box below and also vote in the poll.

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So, does Pritam spin his magic again? Highly unlikely! It looks like Pritam lost his touch on this one and inclusion of previous songs from Golmaal can pretty much confirm that. Yes, there are songs from Golmaal which were composed by Vishal-Shekhar and those are the only saving points of this soundtrack.

Golmaal Returns consist of 15 songs out of which 6 are from Golmaal, 5 are remixes and 4 are originals and there is one English version of one Hindi song. I know that doesn’t sound palatable but we can’t do anything about that. One note to the readers, you’re not going to get any romantic number in this album. Every song is meant to be an upbeat song and it’s not a surprise considering the theme of the movie.

1. Tha Kar Ke

The soundtrack starts with a bang with Tha Kar Ke and I won’t be surprised if you don’t know what it means. Also, this song is composed by a new music director, Ashish Pandit. Ironically, this is the only good song out of all the originals. It may take some time to like this song but once you start liking it, there is no going back. Neeraj Shridhar does his job perfectly and so do the others including Anvesha, Aakariti, Earl and Indie. It’s a pretty solid track with good amount of playback value.

2. Vacancy

I really don’t know what to say about Vacancy. It’s one of those which you either hate or love but can’t ignore. There is a feel of old Golmaal song but with a fast beat. Just like Tha Kar Ke, it is an upbeat song with Neeraj in the lead. Lyrics are nothing special and music is average, too. It’s for hardcore Preetam’s fans. 5 minute length hampers its playback value big time.

When will music composers realize that there is no use of making such a lengthy song? They should learn something from Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na soundtrack. One reason for its success was the short length of the songs.

3. Tu Saala

Tu Saala doesn’t make any sense and one wonders why it was included in the album? It is definitely one of the worst songs to come out this year. Thank god, you don’t have to listen it for long time as it is only 3 minutes and 29 seconds long. Phew!

4. Meow

What’s the deal with the song title these days? Last year, it was Dard-E-Disco, and this year, it is Tandoori Nights from the movie Karzzz. Now there is one more addition to this list and that is Meow. I wonder if they were inspired from Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, if you know what I mean.

At least, this one is better than Tu Saala with better music and singing but not what you call a chartbuster. It’s an average song with a little playback value. To add to your woes, there is one English version of this song. What was the use of it, anyway? Was Pritam out of ideas for this one?

In a nutshell, music of Golmaal Returns disappoints. Thank god, they included songs from Golmaal. They make the album worth listening. It’s not a good start for Golmaal Returns.

Best Songs – Tha Kar Ke, Golmaal (Original from Golmaal)

Rating –

Cast – Kareena Kapoor, Ajay Devgan, Arshad Varsi, Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade, Anjana Sukhani, Amrita Arora, Celina Jaitley

Music Director – Pritam, Ashish Pandit

Movie Director – Rohit Shetty

Do you have anything to say about the soundtrack or do you want to comment on my review? Then feel free to do it by using comment box below.

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Singh is Kinng is about a halfwit Sikh guy, Happy Singh (Akshay Kumar), from a village in Punjab who always cause trouble to village people and they are vexed by his unique ability to cause troubles. So, in order to get rid of him, they pack-off him to Australia to bring underworld King, Lucky Singh (Sonu Sood), back to their village. There he lands into various troubles and meet the love of his life, Sonia (Katrina Kaif), who is already committed.

This is the general outline of the film and to be honest, it is not that “original”. Singh is Kinng is filled with serendipities and misunderstandings. Add a lot of toilet jokes to it, and there you have a typical Anees Bazmee movie. His last movie, Welcome, was a big success, but the same thing can’t be said about the reviews from both the critics and the audience. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out IMDB.com, there it only got 5.4/10 rating from 825 votes.

But that was the past, now let’s get back to Singh is Kinng. Honestly speaking, Singh is Kinng is a very competent idea of the director to make huge money, just like with Welcome, without even giving a damn about the audience who pays a lot to watch an amiable and sensible comedy.

From the title of the movie, you expect it to have some different approach to portray Sikhs in the Bollywood movies unlike those movies in which Sikhs are represented as cretinous (idiots). But no, this movie is the same like those movies. I’m a person who believes in providing full liberty to the artist to express his opinions, even if they offend someone.

But, if you give a title Singh is Kinng to a movie, then I expect you to justify the title of the movie. Sadly, this is not the case with this one. No doubt, this movie would be a big hit, but when it comes to morals and honesty towards your work, it falls flat.

Performances

Akshay Kumar

He is undoubtedly the king of comedies and he is proving his worth with every movie. He really gets into the character of Happy Singh, and delivers it with brilliance.

But again, I’ve one question for him. I know you are a popular star now, but why are you pretending to care about the Sikhs? You go on blabbering about Singh is Kinng on award shows and promotional events, but where is your honesty towards the subject?

Just say that, “I only want to make money out of it and I don’t give a shit about anything else. I want to be the King of Bollywood.”

You should use your popularity to do some movies that can send some good message among the youth of India instead of doing such cheap movies. That is the difference between you and Aamir Khan and ShahRukh Khan.

Katrina Kaif

Please someone tell this girl to stop acting. This is one of the worst performances I’ve seen in a long time. She can even make Ayesha Takia’s performance in De Taali as an Oscar worthy performance.

I know you’ve the looks that can make any guy want to be with you in bed and believe me, directors and producers are using you for this reason only. You don’t stand anywhere close to the other female actors in terms of acting like Vidya Balan, Deepika Padukone, Kareena Kapoor, hell you are even worse than Aishwarya Rai and I’m really serious about this.

Please go to some good acting school and learn some acting. You’re just an eye candy in the movies and I don’t think it is a good sign for your career.

Supporting Cast

I’m really mad about the wastage of Ranvir Shorey in this movie. He is one of the best actors to come out from Bollywood in recent times. Why did you waste such a wonderful talent in your movie, Anees Bazmee?

Om Puri shares a good chemistry with Akshay and gives an above average performance. Kirron Kher really stands out in the movie. Javed Jaffrey, Neha Dhupia and Sonu Sood give average performances.

Final Words – Singh is Kinng is your average Akshay Kumar entertainer. Go to the cinema hall without your brain and you’ll enjoy it, although chances are less. Akshay Kumar carries this movie on his shoulders. If you are a diehard fan of Akshay Kumar, then it would be a perfect treat for you. And if you are not, better wait it to come on TV.

One advice to Anees Bazmee – Please stop making such stupid movies and use your talent in a better way. I know you want to make a lot of money, but please, don’t do it on the expense of someone’s feelings and yes, I’m talking about Sikhs. Have some morals and I’m talking to you too, Akshay!

I’m not a religious fanatic and I simply don’t care about anything but not everyone is like me. But I can bet that many Sikh groups would be pissed at this movie. I was going through the reviews of the movie and found one on Sikhnet. Do read it and you’ll see what they think about this one.

Verdict – If brainless and toilet humor is your taste of a good comedy then go watch it. Be my guest. But if your taste is opposite to mentioned above then refrain yourself from this one.

Box-office result – It would be a big hit as I mentioned earlier, considering the hype around this movie. But sometimes, there is something more than just money which is certainly not true for both the director and the actors.

Rating – 2 out of 5

Your views – Post your reviews on the movie as comments in the box below. Or if you’ve something against my review then also post it. I would be glad to reply to it.

Note to readers – I’m not saying that performance of Akshay Kumar was bad or something, I’m just saying that there was no story at all, humor was cheap and it didn’t justify the title of the movie and the promises it made. You can always read the reviews of other critics like that of Rajeev Masand of CNN-IBN.

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Must Read – Why is India a loser in Olympics? – Find out why and give your views.

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So without any further ado, I would like to welcome her to the very first episode of our show, “The Big Bitch”, hosted by your one and only, “Shahid the Gay Kapoor”.

*Rented crowd silent as they were not given any booze or chicken to welcome the guest.*

*Some old retard ladies started crying after seeing the Goddess herself.”

Ekta: Thank you Shahid. You know what? I think you’ve defeated my brother Tushar Kapoor in the competition of gay looks. Congratulations.

*Shahid shying*

Shahid: Thanks Bitch. So let’s move on to our first question, I’ve heard that you are going to embrace Aarushi Talwar’s murder story in your daily soap, is that right?

Ekta: Yes, I think it’s a perfect way to increase the TRP of my serials which have been running from centuries.

Shahid: Don’t you think it is sick?

Ekta: At least it is less sick than watching you romancing with old fat Vidya Balan or that Aarushi the bitch herself. She was humping her 40 year old Nepali servant instead of watching my serials.

Shahid: But it has not been proved that she was sleeping with Hemraj.

Ekta: Shut your mouth ass face, you don’t know anything. This is what happens when you don’t let your kids watch my Indian cultured serials. If she would have been watching my serials then she would have known our Indian culture and the dresses that an Indian woman must wear with all the make-up.

Shahid: But this is imbecilic

Ekta: Yes, this is as imbecilic as your fetish for Justin Timberlake and his gay dance moves. That is why you are trying to copy his dance moves in your latest fucked up movie, “Kismat Konnection”, right gay boy?

Random guy from the crowd: Fuck off you both hermaphrodites

*Old retard ladies beating the shit out of Random Guy*

*Ekta Kapoor giving them blessings*

Shahid: Ok, let’s change the topic; what do you have to say about the latest attempt from Mozilla to set a world record by making Firefox the most downloaded software in a single day?

Ekta: I don’t know about that, but I can surely see a fire in your little fox in your pants which is becoming bigger and bigger with every passing second.

Shahid: How do you know that I call it a Fox?

*Ekta stunned, while other girls and ladies laughing at him*

*Shahid embarrassed*

*Random guy doing something with his fox by keeping the picture of Kareena in front of him*

Shahid: Ok, what do you have to say about your patch-up with Smriti Irani(The Great Tulsi of India)?

Ekta: I’m so happy about that, we’ve always been loyal to each other from the very starting.

Shahid: But we’ve heard that you both are lesbians, is that true?

*Ekta takes out her mobile and calls Tulsi with great anger*

Ekta: Tulsi bitch, why did you tell everyone about us?

*Sounds of moaning coming from the phone*

*Ekta fully anxious*

Ekta: Tulsi! Are you humping someone again?

Karan Johar: Who the fuck is this? Can’t you understand that I and Tulsi are busy?

Ekta: KARAN! I thought you were going to fuck me tonight

Karan: Yeah, I’ll fuck you too, don’t worry darling, we will have a threesome

*Ekta depressed*

*Young teenagers and Shahid laughing*

*Old retard ladies crying*

*Random guy still playing with his fox*

Shahid: Ok, now what will you do?

Ekta: Wait! I’ve just got an idea; I’ll start a new show based on me and Tulsi

Shahid: What would you call it?

Ekta: Kahaani Two Lesbians Ki

Shahid: And who will play the lead roles?

Ekta: Anmol and Shambhavi, the new sluts of Bollywood

Random guy while playing with his fox: Die you fucking slut

*Old retard ladies cheering for Ekta*

Shahid: Best of luck for that, what do you have to say about the movie “Sex and the city”? Planning to launch an Indian version?

Ekta: Love you Shahid, you gave me a wonderful idea. I’ll call it, “Kyonki Kiss bhi Kabhi Sex thi”. My leading ladies will have sex while praying, talking, and plotting against each other and also during dying, during their marriages and also during their plastic surgeries. I’m the best!!

*Splitsvilla facing a tough competition now*

*Old retard ladies blushing*

*Random guy got caught masturbating to Kareena’s pic*

*Shahid and security running after the Random guy*

*Ekta Kapoor fantasizing about her new shows*

*Producer decides to end the show with a “FUCK YOU” message for everyone*

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1) Big Bitch
2) Kaun Banega Rakhi Sawant ka Pati (Host: Her used up condom boyfriend Abhishek)
3) Booze with Bobby Darling
4) Cunt Voice of India (Judges: Himesh Reshammiya, Anu Malik and a Dildo ready to fuck that cunt voice)
5) Kya aap Ass se tez hain? (Host: The Ass himself “Mahesh Bhatt”)

But sadly, IPL ruined my plans. But, Zee Television has decided to start their own lesbo Talk Show with Rakhi Sawant as the host. It is called “Rakhi Ka Phone Aaya”. The main motive behind this step is to destroy IPL with the help of big boobs of Rakhi, as this is what Indian Men crave for, even more than Cricket. Producer of the show asked me to see the shoot. How could I say no to such a momentous event in the history of FUCKED UP INDIAN TELEVISION? The show is expected to start with a bang like a gang bang, with as many as 11 stars together on the stage showing their banging skills. I went to the shooting and here is what I saw.

Rakhi: Welcome all of you to my pussy licking show, “Rakhi Ka Phone Aaya”.

Random guy from the rented audience: Die nameless Bitch!

* Rakhi blushing, Producer smiling as he thinks it’ll increase the TRP”

*TRP – Total Request Porn*

Rakhi: Thank you sir and I also welcome the Celebrity Guests of the evening.

*Rented audience clapping as they were given free booze and chicken to do this*

Rakhi: So my first question is for Shahrukh. How are you feeling after losing the battle of the favourite Krazzy 4 item number?

SRK: I didn’t lose the battle. I gave you the title…

Rakhi: Oh please, everyone knows that I’m the ITEM of Bollywood!

Random guy from rented audience: Yeah you’re the ITEM, how much do you charge for one night bitch?

Rakhi: Rs 10 for twosome sex, Rs 20 for threesome and Rs 30 for Group Sex…

Shambhavi(Roadie): I charge only Rs 5 coz I’d already fucked all the guys on MTV ROADIES

Bobby Darling: I’m free!

*Random guy confused between so many sluts*

Rakhi: Shut up Bitches; let’s move on to Hrithik… I heard you’re becoming a father for the second time… how are you feeling? Don’t you have any self-control?

Hrithik: Actually third baby is also coming…

Rakhi: Susan is having twins?

Hrithik: No, Actually I’m doing a kiss scene with this Hollywood slut…

Rakhi: Baby from a kiss?

Hrithik: This is how Indians make babies right? Raja Hindustani anyone?

Aamir: No piece of shit, I’m so perfect that no one came to know when I fucked Karishma… I’m the Number 1 MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Rakhi: Shut up you baldy shit.. Did you shave your pubes too?

Aamir: I shaved your pubes when YOU, ME AUR HUM were having a threesome

Rakhi: Fuck off… now let’s talk to Abhishek and Aishwarya… So Ash, tell us about your Big Boob Show at Cannes… What were you thinking? Trying to beat me in Boob size?

Aishwarya: I wanted to show Salman and Vivek “THE STUFF” that they’ve missed!!

Abhishek: I wanted to tell Rani Mukherjee and Karishma about “THE STUFF” that I got by marrying Ash!!

*A big pole is visible in Salman’s skinny jean while Rani is looking under her bra…*

*Random guy got caught masturbating to Ash’s Cannes picture*

*Aishwarya blushing, Rakhi Jealous…*

Rakhi: So Saif, you seem to be pretty angry about your sister’s pictures in the Maxim Magazine… Why were you not angry when Kareena did the same thing for FHM..?

Saif: Well, I’m Kareena’s dog and I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of her ex-dog “Shahid Kapoor”… I’m really insecure about Kareena… I get to fuck her in doggy-style you see!!

Kareena: Yeah, Saif is my dog, people put collars around their dogs, and I got him a tattoo saying “Kareena”…

*Rakhi impressed and now looking towards her dog Abhishek*

*Random guy still running from police with his cum on Ash’s picture*

Bobby Darling(dreaming): O yeah! O yeahhh!! Fuck me Shahid! Fuck me! Fuck me with your 3 inch dick!!

Rakhi: Wake up bitch from your faggot dream… and I think you told us the reason why Kareena left her ex-dog.

*Kareena proudly touching 4 inch dick of Saif*

Rakhi: So Raghu, first of all congrats for the success of Roadies 5.0, finally you gave two new sluts to Bollywood, “ANMOL and SHAMBHAVI”.. anyways what are your views about Aarushi Murder Case?

Raghu: I think they gave the case to CBI for further investigation..

Rakhi: Wait, CBI? CUNTLESS BITCHES INSTITUTE?

*Raghu bangs his head on the wall and starts crying*

Rakhi: Cry Baby… and how can we forget our Deepika Padukone and Ranbir Kapoor? How are you? You look really cute with each other… So how many times have you fucked each other?

Deepika: I’m still a virgin… I really love Ranbir and I’ll make love with him after our marriage…

*Random guy announces the latest mms scandal… Deepika giving Yuvraj a blow job*

*Deepika deleting Yuvraj’s naked wallpaper from her mobile*

* Now a pole is visible in Ranbir’s skinny jean*

And this is how the show ended. It was one hell of a night. No wonder it’ll beat IPL in TRP! Make sure to watch it and have a blast.

Rating – SHOW IS FOR ADULTS ONLY

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News to confirm the show
http://sify.com/movies/bollywood/fullstory.php?id=14681152
http://www.mid-day.com/web/guest/entertainment/bollywood/article?_EXT_5_articleId=1146774&_EXT_5_groupId=14
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20 men molesting 2 girls on new year’s eve, or a woman being beaten up so much by the villagers that she starts looking like a lame version of Bobby Darling or 6 men gang raping a 10 year old girl or a boyfriend making a mms scandal of his girlfriend behind her back while she gives him the best blow job of his life?

Then Yes Sir!, Indian men are experts in giving such holy respect to women.

And to make the Indian Man’s head proud, the latest addition to the famous Holy book, “100 Ways to give respect to Indian Women”, is to kill your daughter when she comes to know about your affair with an outside bitch. On May 16, a school girl named “Aarushi” was found dead in her room. Her parents called up the famous INDIAN POLICE and put all the blame on their servant “Hemraj”, who was from Nepal. Before going any further, let me tell you about another famous book in India, “100 ways to put all the blame on a Nepali servant”, a must buy for all the criminals in India.

So after a lot of investigation by our Indian Police, they finally found the body of Hemraj. Now according to our Indian police and media, the murderer of Aarushi Talwar is her dad “Dr Rajesh Talwar”, a dentist at Fortis Hospital. The main reasons behind this whole operation were the dislike of Aarushi towards her dad’s extra-marital affair with an outside bitch named “Dr Anita Durrani”, a colleague of Dr Rajesh Talwar and the closeness of Hemraj and Aarushi. But now everyone is questioning the investigation of the Police. So who is really responsible?

Well all the details of this murder case are in the newspapers and on news channels. But we’ve something which others don’t have. The answer to the above question. We’ve a live video recording of the police investigation. Our reporters are really good in sting operations. So here is the transcript of the video investigation.

Police officer in this video is “Mr. Jhandulal Ghonsle”

Jhandulal: So Mr. Rajesh, what were you doing when this whole thing happened?

Rajesh : Well sir, me and my wife downloaded the movie “Tashan” from net for free as we encourage piracy.. but sir I must tell you.. that movie is a waste of time.. don’t even watch it for free… wasted my bandwidth..

Jhandulal : Get to the point dick head!!

Rajesh : Yes sir.. so we were watching this movie and we felt asleep…don’t blame us!.. movie was really boring..

Jhandulal : Aahh.. yes.. I know.. I booked the whole third class cinema for me and my two lady officers for our sexual routine.. but both of them died during the first five minutes of the movie.. fuck you Yash Chopra and Aditya Chopra..

Jhandulal : Anyways, what were you doing Dr Anita?

Anita : Well I was also watching Tashan, but instead of sleeping.. I was fantasizing about Kareena Kapoor in bikini and her zero size body….

Wife : I was dreaming about Shahid Kapoor and his gay looks…

Rajesh : I was having a big group sex with all of them in my dreams including “Bobby Darling” and “Rakhi Sawant”

Jhandulal : Hmm.. you all are horny little bitches.. anyways, we’ve to give the title of the murderer to someone.. damn this Nepali is dead.. that book should give some more ways to put the blame on a Nepali..

Rajesh : I understand sir, so what to do now?

Jhandulal : I’ve an idea!!. Let’s have a group sex.. the one who turns out to be the worst will go to jail.. agree?

Rajesh : Ok sir.. but i’ve to get my dildo..

Jhandulal : Dildo!! but why?

* Dr Rajesh fully embarrassed*

Rajesh : My dick is only of 2 inches.. that’s why..

Jhandulal : Asshole.. then how did you satisfy these beautiful ladies? Didn’t you read the Holy book? You’re OUT!!!

And this is how we came to know Rajesh is the criminal. God bless our Indian Police!!.

The researchers claimed that with the introduction of new bollywood actresses like Deepika Padukone and Sonal Chauhan, publisher might need to publish a new Holy Book titled, “1000 more ways to give respect to Indian Women”.

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Serious Note -

Rest in Peace “Aarushi Talwar”. May God give peace and rest to her soul.

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Please give respect to women because they are your mother, your sister, your daughter and your wife. Don’t do eve teasing. Treat girls equally and make our Indian Society a better place to live.

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